Roxy, my 2 year old, climbed into bed with me and smushed her face up to mine then kept coughing for a good 10 minutes. Now I can’t fall back asleep. I’ve been feeling off this week, on and off. I struggle to describe exactly what that means because I can’t pinpoint a reason that’s making me feel this way. It’s sort of a combination of anxiousness, energy less, low motivation mixed with a little disappointment in my lack of progress or lack of purpose. Yet I am so grateful for my happy healthy kids and husband. This anchors me back, even though I still have this pit in my stomach coming and going.
I have stepped into this year with goals of slowing down, and trying to do less so that I can be more present and here for my kids. Although recently I have been thinking the other side to that is I might have too much time to overthink things, like aging and death. Dark I know, but the older we get the more people you know are moving on to the next life.. its surreal when you still feel like you could be a teenager but without the “I have forever to reach my goals” mindset. Why do the endless possibilities you can feel as a kid dissipate in your 30s? Life expectancy is much longer, why are my big feelings so rounded around how much life is left and how it could change in an instant. I know it all circles back to staying present and grateful. But, woah, my 3am brain needs me to watch some lighter tv shows I guess…